Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Another loss

It's been well over a year since I last wrote here.  I do still get comments every month from people who have gone through a miscarriage or are in the process who read my story and gain hope.  That is why I leave this blog up, even if I don't update it but once every year or two.

I wasn't sure if I should add to my story, but I decided that I want to be honest, and part of that honesty is to share that this week I lost another baby.  It feels different this time though for many reasons.

Today I have a 5 year old son who is smart, sensitive, and full of joy; a 3 year old daughter who is hilarious, spunky, and always on the go; a 10 month old son who always smiles and is quick with a laugh.  Some days I look at them and am just overcome with love and how lucky I feel to have them, I love being their mother.

My husband and I are not sure that we are finished having children.  We have discussed becoming foster parents and adoption.  I still have my heart set on another biological child but my husband is concerned for my health, each pregnancy has been just a little bit more difficult and the last one ended with an emergency C-section and our son in the NICU for a week.  With a 10 month old, our plans were not to add to our family right now.

This past Saturday though, we learned I was expecting.  This was a very unplanned pregnancy, I didn't even have an idea of how far along I might be.  I had been feeling rundown and like I had the flu for a few weeks, I thought maybe I was going through post-partum depression and was debating making an appointment to be evaluated.  A couple other small things made me wonder if I was pregnant, since it was the weekend I suggested my husband get me a pregnancy test just to put my mind at ease.  My husband thought it was a waste of money but did it anyway.

It had the darkest line I have ever seen on a pregnancy test, it was dark blue before I was even done peeing.  I was in shock!  We spent the rest of the day in shock.  We don't own a vehicle that will fit another person.  I have given all my maternity clothes and most of our baby stuff away.  Although another baby right now was not in our plans, we were quickly warming up to the idea and making plans about how to make it work.

The next day, Mother's Day, we were at church and I happened to be in the nursery.  I felt something and knew I was bleeding, although at the time I didn't think much of it.  I had bled throughout the first trimester with my last son and knew that bleeding does not always been miscarriage.  When I was able to go to the bathroom though, I was bleeding a lot and knew immediately that the pregnancy was ending. 

The bleeding continued to be heavy and the next day I called my doctor's office.  I wasn't sure if they would even have me come in, but they did.  They did an ultrasound and when I saw the baby, I thought for a moment that maybe they would find a heartbeat, but quickly realized that even if they did, with the amount of bleeding, the baby would not survive much longer.  There was not a heartbeat though.  The baby measured just shy of 8 weeks and based on those measurements would have been due on my daughter's birthday or a couple days later.

The nurse practitioner and my OB debated whether to have me wait it out and miscarry naturally or to schedule a D&C.  It was finally decided to go ahead and schedule a D&C, which I had yesterday.  The procedure went quickly and I have had very little pain.  I did feel worn out from the anesthesia though.

Emotionally I am in a much better place this time.  I believe this is for several reasons, first of all I have 3 children and am not concerned that I will never have children.  Secondly, this pregnancy was unexpected.  Thirdly, I did not have a much time to become attached to the baby, I was starting to make plans and think of names, but I only had hours to think about these things, not weeks.  Lastly, my faith.  In the past 6 years my husband and I have been through many tough things, losing our first baby was probably the one that affected us the most deeply, but we made it through because God was by our side.

I expect we will still have some difficult days ahead, but I know we will make it through again.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Tonight I was putting my son, almost 4, to bed.  He looked into my eyes and asked, "Momma why are you sad?"  I tried to explain that I wasn't sad, just serious.  He interrupted and continued, "Is it because of your baby that died?"

I was floored.  While we haven't tried to keep it a secret from him, it isn't a regular part of our conversations with him.  After a question or two I learned that my husband had explained that before LG was born, we had lost a baby.  Again he asked if losing the baby was why I was sad.

I looked into the eyes of my precious boy and explained that I was very sad when his older brother died, but when he (LG) was born he brought me great joy.  Then I explained that had that baby not died, I would never have met him, and I am very glad to be his mother.

Today it is still difficult to explain the sadness over the loss of that first baby, but also the joy that comes from the son I do have.  I never could have had both of them.  I still mourn the loss of that baby, although it is completely different now than it was 4 years ago.  I feel so blessed to have the two children I have, they are beautiful and wonderful people.  The journey I have been through has led me to appreciate them even more.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow

I orginally saw this piece on TV back during the NCAA tournament.  I happened across what was probably the article inspiring the piece a couple days ago and want to share it.  It is 3 men's perspective on losing a full term infant, Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow.

While I am sad that any one has to go through this, I am glad to see the media spotlight this issue.  I am certain it will help someone learn how to support a friend going through this difficult experience.

Friday, February 25, 2011

4 years

I have been trying to think of something profound to say today, but words escape me.  All week I have been melancholy, remembering how I felt 4 years ago.

I am happy and blessed with my current life.  I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful and perfect children.

When I woke up this morning I heard a song I had not heard before playing on the radio.

Darius Rucker, This
Got a baby girl sleeping in my bedroom
And her mama laughing in my arms

There's the sound of rain on the rooftop

And the game's about to start

I don't really know how I got here
But I'm sure glad that I did

And it's crazy to think that one little thing

Could've changed all of it

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned
Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man


For every stoplight I didn't make

Every chance I did or I didn't take

All the nights I went too far

All the girls that broke my heart

All the doors that I had to close

All the things I knew but I didn't know

Thank God for all I missed

Cause it led me here to


There is more to the song, but the first part is what speaks to me today.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

God's Plans

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12

My sweet cousin was 9 or 10 weeks pregnant and lost her baby today. My heart is aching for her! Until the last year I didn't really know her, she is a few years younger and we grew up 1000 miles apart. Now we have children just a couple weeks apart in age and have developed a relationship talking to each other about them.

We don't always know God's plans for our lives, but he does have a plan. Maybe God allowed me to lose my baby so that I could support my cousin. It has been almost 4 years since my baby died and I am at a place where I can talk about my experience easily. I am praying for my cousin & her husband they can find healing and comfort during this difficult time.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

3 years

3 years ago today we lost our first little baby. At that time I felt desperate and without hope. Today it almost seems as if it happened to someone else instead of me. So much has changed. I still miss that little baby, but in a different way than before. While I don't feel healed or over it, I do feel better these days. I still think about that baby every day, it was such a major event in my life that it is hard not to.

The experience of losing that baby makes me appreciate my son and new daughter more. I know that life is precious and nothing is guaranteed so I have to enjoy every moment with them. If you would like to see how my life is these days, please visit my updated blog: Raspberry Chip.

Raspberry Chip is now private. If you would like an invite to read it, please send me and e-mail: Rachel (dot)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

2 years

Two years ago today my life changed in a way I never expected possible.  We lost out precious first baby.

"They" tell you that time heals the pain and grief, two years ago I didn't believe that.  Today I do.  I still think about our baby, the emotional loss, the physical loss, but it isn't as hard to deal with.  I still cry at times missing that baby and the life that might have been.  I feel like there is a part of our family missing.

However, today I am blessed with a son who I would not have if we didn't lose that baby. 

My loss gave me empathy for those struggling with loss not just of children but of spouses, friends, and parents.  It has opened doors for me to talk to people more in depth that I wouldn't have otherwise.

Today I am sad for my loss, but I am happy for what I do have.  I know that I will never forget our baby.