2 years

Two years ago today my life changed in a way I never expected possible.  We lost out precious first baby.

"They" tell you that time heals the pain and grief, two years ago I didn't believe that.  Today I do.  I still think about our baby, the emotional loss, the physical loss, but it isn't as hard to deal with.  I still cry at times missing that baby and the life that might have been.  I feel like there is a part of our family missing.

However, today I am blessed with a son who I would not have if we didn't lose that baby. 

My loss gave me empathy for those struggling with loss not just of children but of spouses, friends, and parents.  It has opened doors for me to talk to people more in depth that I wouldn't have otherwise.

Today I am sad for my loss, but I am happy for what I do have.  I know that I will never forget our baby.

Book Taken

I have found a home for the book. Thank you for stopping by.

Give Away

I have a used but in very good condition book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L Davis, PhD to give to the first person who replies to this post who has had a loss.

This book would be appropriate for anyone who has recently had a miscarriage or lost an infant. Although it is more geared towards a stillbirth or loss of an infant.

I read it after my miscarriage and found it helpful although I don't think I will read it again. I would like to pass it on to help someone else. Please either reply or send an email to rachel dot runner at gmail dot com. I will need your name and address.

I hope that this will bless someone who is currently in need.

"Happy" Birthday

Today we should have been celebrating a first birthday. I still think about that first baby every day, but my emotions are not near as strong. Some things still trigger my grief, but I am OK 99% of the time. I was really emotional last night and expected today to be awful, but it wasn't.

I heard a Kenny Chesney song on the radio today that I have probably heard a hundred times. I didn't really listen to the words until today:

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

It was as if the song was being sung for me.

I still miss you little one. If you were here, you would have had the perfect first birthday.

A year ago...

Dear Baby,

A year ago today I saw you for the first time, you were born way too early. I miss you and am sad I never got to hold you. I had many dreams for you, but now I take comfort in knowing you are in heaven. I love you!

Love,
Your mom

A Happy Beginning

God must have some interesting sense of humor. Exactly 9 months to the day that we lost our first baby, our son was born. What a blessing He has given us!

Once the nurses handed little guy to me, I felt my whole being relax. I am still aware that he could be taken from me at any moment, but M and I have gotten to enjoy him so much.

The first day in the hospital that I was alone with our son, I started to cry, I was so sad that our friends M & K and so many others had not gotten a chance to experience the whirlwind that we had. Even when nursing hurt, and I was exhausted from people visiting, and my back was sore, and nurses kept checking the stitches I had in my most private area, it was all worth it.

My days are so different now. I feel so responsible and a strong need to protect this little guy. Every decision I make revolves around him and I would not trade it for the world. I know that all parents believe their child is perfect, but ours really is.

I feel very blessed that I was allowed the opportunity to have a child, I love him with all my heart. He has allowed me to see a whole new side of my husband, a side that makes me love him more than I ever thought possible.

The past year has not been a good year for us, if I could have a “do-over” year, this is the year I would chose. The pain of losing a baby overshadowed the entire year and influenced everything. Only the few weeks preceding the birth of our son began to feel normal. In the end, we were given one of the greatest gifts.

I know that not everyone who experiences a miscarriage will experience the same level of grief that I have had. I am also not naïve enough to think that every person who loses a baby will later have a baby as quickly as I did. I hope that this diary of my experience will give hope to those still seeking to carry a baby home.

Because I am beginning a new stage in my life, I am no longer going to post on this blog. I have another blog, http://www.raspberrychip.blogspot.com/ where I will continue to post my random thoughts, and updates. Since I currently do not have internet access at home, I will try to update it weekly until I have regular internet access again.

Thank you to each of you who has helped me along in my journey. Your comments really helped me to not feel alone.

Rachel

Happy Birthday J

J would have been 1 today. Please keep his parents in your prayers today as they are aching for the son they never got to know.