Tuesday, March 20, 2007


I have encountered many frustrations in the last 3 weeks. This woman I work with has a boyfriend who lives on a horse farm and it is foaling season right now. When I was in college, I worked near the farm, so daily she fills me in on what is happening on this farm. I think it is her way of trying to make friends with me. I have found it mildly annoying since she started working her a couple months ago, but she is just trying to make conversation with a person who prefers to be quiet. Anyway every time a new foal is born she tells me, "We had another baby last night." Prior to my miscarriage, I didn't like it but now it really makes me cringe. She doesn't know I miscarried, I really don't want her advice on this situation, so I haven't told her. Today I wanted to scream at her, "a horse has foals, not babies." Instead I half smiled and tried to avoid conversation with her.

Another frustration comes from a friend, J, who confessed to me that she had 2 miscarriages before her daughter was born so she knew how I felt. One occurred in August, one in November, then she got pregnant in December. I e-mailed her that I would have been praying for her, brought her supper, or worked for them more had I known. She and her husband had started a new business around that time and M and I were helping them with it quite a bit. We were spending a lot of time together. I also asked her questions about my grief and if it was scary to be pregnant after the miscarriages.

She replied that it was scary, but having a child only brings on new fears. She started her period on time with her 1st miscarriage and was 3 days late with her 2nd. This revelation really bothered me. Our experiences were completely different in my eyes. That same day my husband talked to her husband and from him found out that she didn't think of her miscarriages as miscarriages until after her daughter was born and she read something in some book. She had not taken a pregnancy test either time, she just felt pregnant. I felt like she had misled me. I am not sure what made her think she knew how I felt when I actually had seen my baby's heart beat, and after the miscarriage, his tiny arms and legs.

I don't know her feelings, so I don't know exactly why she thought she was pregnant either time. She may have experienced a chemical pregnancy, I'm not a doctor, so I don't know. I do know that in the months leading up to my pregnancy I was extremely disappointed each time my period arrived. I bewildered my husband one month when I was still on birth control and didn't get pregnant, but still cried about it. Another month (after I quit birth control) I had extremely swollen breasts and felt nausea the week prior to my period. I hoped I was pregnant, but never thought I was. Maybe what J experienced was technically a miscarriage. She may have grieved for those potential children, but I don't think this gives her the right to say she knows how I feel right now.

1 comment:

Brandy said...

I'm coming to this post very late but I am a new reader to your blog and was catching up in the archives.

I have to agree that she doesn't have a right to say that she knows how you feel. I have no idea whether or not she had miscarriages but whether or not she did, she doesn't know how you feel. Even someone that had the exact same experience wouldn't know how you feel. We all experience grief and loss in a different way. My miscarriage was much different than yours. I had positive pregnancy tests and I had a great positive beta with my OB/GYN but at 5 weeks I started bleeding and 6 weeks there were no longer any products of conception. I was pregnant but I never saw a heartbeat and it was still awful.

No matter what happens our grief and our feelings are our own and that's okay. No one knows just exactly how we feel and they shouldn't.