Monday, March 19, 2007

How do you acknowledge a miscarriage?

Right now I really have this strong desire to figure out a way to acknowledge my miscarriage. We had a baby, we heard his heartbeat, we saw him on an ultrasound. We never held him, but we had big dreams for him. We had nothing to bury, no graveside. There wasn't a funeral.

I feel like I need to do something to acknowledge this baby that lived inside me for 10 short weeks. For two full months my husband and I dreamed about this child. Everything I think of seems so trivial.

My ideas that I don't really like, but input may help
  • Writing a letter and attaching it to a helium balloon
  • Getting a tattoo
  • Wearing a special necklace
  • Planting a tree

The problems with each idea:

  • The balloon would deflate and be litter somewhere
  • I really don't like tattoos, I wouldn't want others to see it
  • A necklace can get lost or broken
  • We won't stay in our house for more than a couple more years. Also, we already have many trees in our yard

A ceremony may be nice, but I am not really sure what to say and who would be there. I have a tearfest daily with my husband so I feel like others should be present, but who? Both of our parents would think this was weird. My friends are very supportive, but I am not sure that they would be comfortable with something like this.

I just feel really upset that I can't figure out a way to recognize our baby.


Tina said...

Thank you for your kind words on my blog. I am glad my story could give you some peace.

My I suggest doing a SHARE walk in your area? I did that in October and it was incredible closure. I, like you, do not have a grave to go to, a place to be able to honor my children. But, the walk - the chance to hear your child's name (or just Baby) publically acknowledhged - helped so much. It felt like the funeral service I was never able to have.

Many hugs to you - and I pray this never happens again to you.

Cuddlefish said...

Maybe you could purchase a small toy or some other keepsake that you can name and keep in a special place. When your next baby is born you can celebrate both this baby and their older sibling by gifting the keepsake to the next baby: "This is a gift from your older brother or sister who we miss very much."

I am sorry for your loss

Ruta said...

I'm commenting very late -- just found this blog and went back a bit in the archives.

I have had several miscarriages, before and between my 2 successful pregnancies. At some point, I read an article by Peggy Orenstein called "Mourning My Miscarriage" where she talks about her miscarriage in Japan, the Japanese Buddhist concept of a mizuko and the rituals performed by Japanese women to acknowledge their miscarriages. I've considered getting a Jizo statue for our garden as a way of remembering those children we will not have. And the concept of the mizuko coming back in a later time also brought me some peace. I have some mixed feelings about some of the issues she raises in the article, but on the whole, I found it very powerful.

...inspired muse... said...

I found your blog and it has brought tears to my eyes. Yesterday was four months since I lost our precious baby. I was two months pregnant. We never saw a heartbeat. It was a roller coaster ride, from week to week the doctor saying first everything looked great and there were no problems, to the next week it was a certain miscarriage, and then the week after that there was growth and change. It was not a blighted ovum, and to be honest, we never really knew what happened. My d & c was May 18.
I've often wondered how to acknowledge the baby. We never knew it's gender, i never even got an u/s picture. My memory box from the hospital is empty. My mom acts like nothing happened, my friends have disappeared. My baby was due Christmas eve, and so the best way I could think of the acknowledge my baby and have something tangible to remember it by was to get a necklace with the December birthstone on it, blue topaz. The necklace hasn't left my neck since the day I bought it. This Christmas, there will be a new little angel hanging front and center on our tree. We bought a little dog and he's been the greatest help in my healing. My heart continues to break every day. Especially after finding out that five of my friends were pregnant, all within a few weeks of each other.
Thanks for your blog and putting your story out there. I've often thought of writing a blog about it, but I guess I've always felt that nobody would want to read it. I appreciate what you've written though.

Peacock Lace said...

I've just found your blog, I don't know if you check it, but I've been reading your entries in floods of tears. I lost y baby at 9 weeks, but it died before and failed to miscarry so I had to be operated on. I have nothing to remember it by, I exams pregnant again and naturally misscarried at 5 weeks. My baby would have been due the end of January 2012, a few days after my birthday, I'm struggling to cope. What's worse is my sister in law was pregnant a month after me, and her pregnancy is going strong, whilst I am glad that she hasn't had to go through what I have, as my would be due date gets nearer and her actual due date being so close to mine each day is getting harder. I lost my baby on the 24th June, the second in September. I'm reading every single post on your blog and I hope it will show me how to start to move on. Thank you for sharing, I'm in so much pain xxx