Thursday, April 26, 2007

Complaints, Fears, and Adoption

I am feeling miserable. I have a headache, a sore throat, I'm tired, and I have 8 blisters on my feet from the cute shoes I wore to the ceremony the other night.

Last night we ate at the mall with some friends and I ran into a girl I used to work with. She has an almost 2 year old son. Everyone who knows me knows about my desire to be a mom, so she started the usual questioning about when we were going to start having kids. I dodged the first 2 or 3 but she kept asking so I finally blurted out, "I had a miscarriage 2 months ago." It was awkward. Then she started questioning me about trying again. I kind of mumbled something about wanting to, then told her I needed to get back with my friends.

Why do people feel compelled to ask questions, especially without thinking first? Yes, after my miscarriage I still wanted to have children. Nothing in my inner being changed that made me think I know longer wanted to be a mother. I did not know when I wanted to try again but I never considered not trying again. My husband and I talked a lot and he told me the decision to try again was up to me. He felt like I was to the point in my grieving that it might take a year or longer to improve more. I kind of decided we would wait until June just so that I would not have to go back to the HMO doctor's office. About a week after that decision was made, I found out I was already pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was happy for the fact that we will still be parents. I was also happy that we did not struggle to get pregnant. At the same time I am terrified for many reasons.

1) I felt like it is too soon. I was supposed to have time for counseling, to lose weight, to train for my 10K. I even planned to do a biathlon on the first baby's due date in his honor. Something I was a little nervous about, but a way I could honor his memory.

2) I had just started Zoloft. My physician said that it would be OK to get pregnant while taking it. My plan was to be off it before I conceived. The warning with the prescription is, "this has been shown to cause damage to the human fetus." I didn't want to get pregnant with a drug in my system that could cause damage to my baby. Even though the newest research shows caffeine in moderation is OK, I have not had caffeine since a week after my miscarriage. I have since read some journal articles and found out that Zoloft causes respiratory problems if used during the 3rd trimester so I will have time to ween myself before then.

3) I wanted my body to be in tiptop shape the next go round. I have put on about 10 pounds since before my 1st pregnancy. The majority of it is from emotional eating trying to deaden the feeling of loss. I quit turning down chocolate, desserts, and fried foods. Being pregnant right now does not get rid of those feelings. Except now I am freaking out more because I'll eat poorly and then realize that I haven't had any green vegetables. I am worried that I will somehow cause myself to lose this baby too.

4) Even though my miscarriage was probably not caused by something I did, I wanted to make sure I had read all the research. I wanted to make sure my ITP did not make me lose my baby. I was not yet at peace with the possibility that maybe my miscarriage just happened. I have since found out that although ITP is an immune disorder, it does not cause miscarriages.

I found a wonderful online resource, Pregnancy After Miscarriage, the link is at the right. I joined a group and it is good to share my fears with others who are going through the same feelings as me. Then one of the girls due at the same time as me miscarried again. I have been trying to force myself to be positive about this pregnancy. When I found out she miscarried, I sort of freaked. I don't want to go through this again. It is hard to be positive when faced with the reality that nothing is guaranteed.

M and I decided years ago that we would probably adopt a child. I once worked as an adoption counselor and feel like adoption is a wonderful thing. I have decided that if we lose this baby, we are starting the adoption process immediately. I want to be a mother so badly that I don't want to waste away my time not being a mother. If we later have biological children, that would be wonderful, but that is not the point. I want to have children to love and hold.

My friend K really wants a biological child. I think that would be wonderful, but I am OK with not having to go through labor. I also know that love does not know biological boundaries. My mom, is really my step mom. I do not make a distinction between my biological siblings, my step siblings, and my half brother. We are a family and I love them all the same. I often forget that it is not genetically possible for my niece to have my sister's eyes, but she does. My mom is a wonderful person, she and my dad were very methodical when they combined their families. They would not let people treat us as his or her children, we were their children. When I think about adoption, I think about my relationship with my mom. We fought just like mothers and daughters often do. We also have a really close relationship just like mothers and daughters do. I am closer to her parents than my dads. The really special thing I have from her is that I can remember the first time she told me she loved me. Biological kids don't get that honor. So if this doesn't work out, I am ready to proceed to adoption.

OK, now for something positive. We found a great home for Chica. We are going to keep her until the puppies are weened. She will have an acre in the country to explore and free run of her new house. She will also have a dog and a cat to be her friends.

Also, I had a wonderful conversation with my youngest brother yesterday. We normally talk quite often but since my miscarriage he has been a little hesitant to call. I missed our conversations, but I totally understand his reluctance, he is 16 after all. Anyway, he left me a message late Tuesday night and when I called him back yesterday, we had a great conversation just like before. I can't wait to see him in May.

I have 2 cousins getting married this summer. I found out yesterday that my niece will be at one of the weddings. I am really excited! She is 5 years old and it will be so much fun playing with her. At Christmas I spent an entire day just playing with her. I only see her once or twice a year so it is really special getting that one on one time.

1 comment:

Kate said...

I just found your blog and can relate to a lot of the anxiety you are going through. I, too, am pregnant after a miscarriage last December. That pregnancy happened after a battle with unexplained infertility for over a year, so losing it was absolutely crushing. I am completely terrified of losing this pregnancy, too, but I am also struggling with guilt and detachment. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. I hope you find peace and begin enjoying this pregnancy.