Wednesday, April 25, 2007

M's grieving process

Our cruise to the Bahamas is booked, the plane tickets are purchased, and we are going to rent a convertible the day the cruise gets back to port. I am really excited, we need a vacation!

Last week, I emailed the post to M about the burial of our baby. He knew I had a blog but with trying to finish up school, he has not had much time to ask read it. After sending him the post, he read my entire blog. His response was that me expressing my emotions was forcing him to deal with emotions he is not ready to deal with yet. He has not really grieved our loss like I have. Part of the reason is that he was not the one whose body was changing. Part of the reason is that he has been so busy wrapping up projects, interviewing, and negotiating, that he has not had time to be still with his thoughts. He has been mellow and he has cried some, but not like me.

AGF is our pseudo-child, the daughter of our best friends MF & CF. Even when my youngest brother (he is 12 years younger) was born I did not feel the strong instant love like I did when AGF was born. I found out about her only minutes after MF & CF found out they were expecting. I got to hold her a few hours after she was born and immediately had this strong love for her.

M and I both see her whenever we get an opportunity. When M was working out of town, the minute he would get back he wanted to go visit AGF. When she went through the stage where she was scared of hats and glasses, it hurt his feelings when he scared her. M is so good with her and everyone who knows him knows how much he cares for AGF. I can't even imagine how much he will love our children.

Back to M grieving. Exactly a month after our miscarriage we chaperoned a youth retreat. MF is the youth minister so we help out quite a bit. On this particular weekend, MF was playing football and CF and I were hiking with some of the kids. M took on AGF duty during her nap time. He rocked her on a porch swing and he told me about singing her to sleep until the tears were flowing and he couldn't sing anymore. He could not stop thinking about how that could have been our baby in a short time. That is probably one of the few times other the the night it happened that he was really grieved.

When we go on our vacation, we are going to heal. We are going to enjoy each other's company and really enjoy our time away.

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