Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Tuesday

Chica was back last night when I got home. She was very dirty. We aren't sure if someone took her and brought her back or if she escaped from the yard, went for a swim in the creek and then snuck back into the yard.

***
I have been feeling really strange. I am tired but I can't sleep. When I go to sleep it is not restful. I feel really sad, but I don't cry. I feel hungry all the time. I just ate lunch and my stomach is already growling.

I am not sure if the Zoloft is helping. It seems to have deadened my ability to express emotions, but I still feel sad. We have not started our counseling yet. I canceled the last appointment because each session was going to cost $50 and it was with a graduate student. I found out hospice offers free counseling. The first available evening appointment is next week. I am really hoping it will be helpful.

Since I had my miscarriage I have read at least 4 books on miscarriages and loss. Right now the book I am reading, "Pregnancy After a Loss" is scaring me a little. At one point the author says that it is not uncommon for women who get pregnant too quickly after a loss to not fully grieve until after the new baby arrives. I want to make sure that our new child will never feel like a replacement for the first baby. I want to be excited and happy when I first hold our baby. I want motherhood to be enjoyable when we bring our baby home. I am really hoping that our counselor can help me learn some coping techniques so that I can start enjoying my pregnancy and start focusing on the positive again.

***
In an effort to be more positive, I am going to try to post one positive thing each day. After a little over 2 years in our house, last night I finally started painting our bedroom! The wall across from the door is antique bog. It is sort of a dark olive green color. The other 3 walls are oasis. It is about 3 or 4 shades lighter than the other color. I really like the way the room is coming together.

Also tonight is M's Order of the Engineer ceremony. He will get his engineer ring. I am looking forward to celebrating with him. My sister went through the ceremony a couple years ago and it is really neat. Since they went to different schools, it will be interesting to see how each school does things differently.

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

That's a tough one, how to tell your friend? I understand the feeling of "contagion" too - it's like we need to find a Reason and this IF-by-association can feel true.
Hope you have a good day!