Friday, May 18, 2007

2 steps forward, 1 step back

Yesterday was the first day I had to walk past the engineering complex since M has graduated. It was a little sad knowing our paths would not cross. Not that I saw him often, but I could usually walk through one of the buildings and find him if I needed a hug.

Last night I felt like I was doing better. I started unloading the dishwasher and was not overwhelmed. After supper I grabbed the checkbook and started reconciling it to the statement that came in while we were gone. M seemed appreciative that I am slowly beginning to carry my weight around the house again. Things felt like they were getting back to normal. I even commented to M that maybe we should have taken a vacation back in March.

Then stupid Grey's Anatomy had to come on. I really like that show and was bummed I missed it last week. When the chief's wife came in with a miscarriage, I just lost it. Unfortunately it was like a train wreck, you don't want to watch but you can't take your eyes away. When she told the chief it was a boy, I lost it again. I know it is just TV but her pain reminded me of my own. The fact that she knew the gender of her baby really upset me. We have taken to referring to our baby as "he" only because "it" seems wrong. I ended up staying up way too late crying over my own loss last night. That led to feelings of guilt over not being excited about my current pregnancy.

So many people struggle to get pregnant. Here I am pregnant with a child I strongly desire, but have so much fear of becoming attached to something that I might lose, that I can't enjoy being pregnant. I thought getting past the 10 week mark would help, in some ways it has, but this still does not feel real to me. Each day gets easier and I am able to pray for this baby. I am also able to talk about, "in December". I am able to see some pregnant women without crying, so I think I am healing. I know I will never be over the loss of my first baby, but I really want to be able to not grieve everyday.

4 comments:

Beka said...

Praying for you, Rachel!
Thank you also for your prayers for me... I really appreciate it!

Murray said...

I know it is hard... I've been there. I can honestly say that time really helps. As my baby got bigger and so did my belly and I started to feel him move it became easier to believe that he was real and I could slowly start letting myself get attached to him, not being so scared of losing him... but it took time. I hardly think about my first loss now. It was just over a year ago.

Tiffany said...

I lost my 2nd child at 16 weeks last June. And became pregnant again in December 06. There have been many "stepping stones" during this pregnancy. The first visit to the doctors office was so emotional-since the last time I had visited was for the miscarriage. Then the first sonogram, then making it past the 16 week mark then the 20 week mark. Now I have had my second sonogram and everything is looking good.

Baby doesn't move around as much as my first which gets me nervous at times. But as long as there is movement I have hope everything is going to turn out right.

I wish you the best.

Christyna said...

I ended up staying up way too late crying over my own loss last night. That led to feelings of guilt over not being excited about my current pregnancy.


oh sweety- you will never truly be over the loss of your first child. But in greiving you can make room to be happier for the other. There is nothing wrong with grieving even if you're supposed to be happliy expecting. I know you're very far along but I'm reading and responding to these old things anyway. ha ha