Tuesday, May 8, 2007


I don't feel like a part of M's family. We started dating in 95. We got married in 01. I have been around, but I never felt like a part of things. I tend to be shy and it takes me awhile to feel connected to people. It is starting to change with his parents, but his sister and I just don't click. We have never lived near each other so we only see her a couple times a year. It is usually when all of M's family is around. Going to Ireland together in December helped that some, but I think it would take a trip like that every year for several years before I felt close to her. I am trying hard to fit in with his family, but we are different.

Since his sister was in town we watched the Derby and hung out after graduation, but didn't talk much. Last night I expected to hang out with her, her husband, and my in-laws. I thought we were going out for a nice supper. Instead M called me about the time I was getting off work and asked if I wanted to go hiking with his family or go over to MF & CF's for supper. I would have loved to go hiking, but it is about 1.5 hours to where they were going, and they were leaving before I was off work. That meant arriving there, not having much time to hike, and then getting home past my bedtime. I didn't sleep well the night before and had nightmares so I was intent on getting to bed on time.

I was pretty offended they didn't consider a plan that would work for me such as doing something in town. I was in tears by the time I got home, deeply offended that they flew all the way across the country and then only wanted to see M. I am trying so hard to fit in with the family, and then not given a chance. Of course my feelings were a little hurt that they had all gone out to a late lunch at our favorite restaurant. M did order me my favorite meal to take for lunch today, but that is not the same. Later I found out M didn't think I wanted to hang out with them last night. He was the one who suggested they go on instead of having supper together. I guess they do like me. I am a little peeved none of them have said a word to me about the miscarriage. I understand they are uncomfortable. They have asked M how I am doing, but they have avoided the topic with me.

Of course with the exception of my sister EM, my family has done the same thing. My mom, dad, and sister EJ all called in the first couple days, but haven't asked since. JV awkwardly asked me about it for the first time about a month ago. He is 25 and single so I was really proud of the courage it took for him to ask. JE (16) and JN (also 25) haven't said a word. (I know, my initials don't fit in with my siblings. I guess that's what you get when your the oldest.)

This morning we (my in-laws & M) were all supposed to eat breakfast before I went to work. They (the in-laws) were running late so I had to miss it. M is going to tell them about the baby, and I am nervous about it. Especially what my father-in-law will say. He has a tendency to make insensitive comments without realizing it. A couple weeks ago he said something to the effect of, "your lives sure will be different when a two-legged one arrives." Yeah, we know. We just keep hoping we get that opportunity. He meant it in a positive way, but I almost burst out in tears anyway.

The good thing is that they usually call M, not me. They are also out of town a lot, sometimes for weeks at a time. So, maybe I can avoid them until December. OK, maybe not, but not seeing them every week will make this a little easier.

I made a little website to tell my family. That way they will understand how we are feeling right now. I guess I am chicken to tell them over the phone. I am still tweaking it. Plus, it is difficult to call 5 siblings before mom does.

Today or tomorrow I am telling K. I still don't know how. We communicate the most through e-mail. I thought about calling her. I thought about stopping by her house on the way to run club. M suggested we go out to supper with her tonight. I wish I had gone to support group last Tuesday. I could have told her then. Of course then she may not have had the opportunity to talk to her delivery nurse. That is a really neat story that I need to share. Maybe I'll post that right before I leave for vacation. I just hope that K is not hurt by my news. I don't want her to feel like her own loss and trouble getting pregnant is magnified by my pregnancy. I value her friendship and I still want her to be able to tell me when she is struggling over the loss of her son. I want her to know that I understand her frustration at not having a child to hold. I don't want her to feel like she has to avoid me.

Anyway- here's my positive comment for the day: 2 more days until vacation! I am really excited. I plan to pack tonight. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!


mandolyn said...

First, congratulations! Even through frustration you deserve that.

I'm sorry that people seem to avoid you when it comes to talking about your miscarriage. It's harder when it's family, too. My family (both sides) are still generally uncomfortable discussing anything that has to do with it, and that upsets me a little, even though I realize the awkwardness for them. (Only a few have dared to ask me what my pomegranate string is for...) It's just not a subject that society has made especially easy or open, which is often unfortunate.

I hope your good news sharing goes over well!

kiLikiNa said...


I'm sorry about your loss. But I know how you feel because I'm going through the same thing with my in laws. The fact that they don't want to talk about the miscarriage. Oh well...

Anyway, all my best to you!