Tuesday, May 1, 2007

No catchy title

Yesterday we started counseling, the woman we met with is from Switzerland. She was very kind and understanding. I am not sure if the session helped yet, but I do think she is very good at her job. It was hard to admit out loud that I am more scared of this pregnancy than excited. She seemed to understand that though.

I also had a follow up with my gp. She was out for some reason so I met with a resident. It was kind of strange, she was trying so hard but just did not seem able to comprehend not being excited about a pregnancy. She is about my age, maybe a little older. I don't know if she has children or if she has been trying to have children, but I sort of felt like I needed to put on a happy face for her even though that is not how I feel.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound with this pregnancy. I think seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat will start to relieve some fears. I think part of my fear is that my body is playing a mean trick on me and I'm not really pregnant.

I think telling people will also help make this pregnancy seem more real. I have many fears about that though. My number one fear is telling K. After that I am worried about people thinking, "wow, that was quick" or "she must be over her miscarriage". I do not think the average person can understand how hard this loss has been on me.

I sort of thought being pregnant again would cheer me up. Instead it seems to have made my loss more intense. Next week I would have found out the gender of my 1st baby. I would most likely be showing. I would probably be able to feel the baby move. We probably would have started setting up the nursery, or at least started looking for cribs. We would have been thinking about where to register and planning baby showers.

I will still get all that in a short time, but it isn't the same. My innocence has been taken from me. Until I hold my baby in my arms, I am not sure that this pregnancy will feel as real to me as the first one.

On a happier note, we finished our bedroom this weekend. It is gorgeous! I wanted an elegant looking bedroom and I think we accomplished that. I need to post a picture, but I have no clue how to do that. If I figure it out, I will.

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