Monday, May 21, 2007

You want to be where?

M told me all the initials are getting confusing and he knows my family, so I have decided that I'll just refer to my family members by their middle names. None of them read this blog, but I don't want them to feel violated if they happen across it or if a friend of theirs does.

Anyway, this was an interesting weekend. My biological mom, Ann, called me Saturday. I had e-mailed her on Friday to let her know about my pregnancy. Although we are not even remotely close, I do try to keep her in the loop, especially now that my brother Van (JV) lives in the same town as her. She has only called me 3 or 4 times since I was 7 years old, so the phone call was a surprise. I was quite anxious about answering the phone but decided it probably took a lot of courage for her to call me. I had a lot of bitterness towards her and although I have forgiven her, it is difficult to build a new relationship with someone who has caused a lot of pain over the years.

Anyway, when she called, she acted like she called me every day. She told me what's going on with her at work and in her Bible study. Then she tells me she wants to be there for the birth of my baby. Wow, was I taken off guard! She not only did not come to my wedding, she returned the invitation to me. She was in one of her depressive states at the time, but it still really hurt. For the last 2 or 3 years she has been working in a steady job, attending church, and getting her life back on track. She has married again, although she still hasn't told me, my brother did. I guess she's been married about a year to husband number 6 or 7. The list of what she has done goes on and on, but, enough about that, I am trying to forgive her, not dig up old hurts.

Anyway, I don't want her there. I don't even want her visiting me in the hospital. I don't mind if she comes to visit sometime, but I want to wait until the baby is a few weeks old. I want to be comfortable with being a mom before having to deal with the stress of seeing her. I haven't been around her for more than an hour or two at a time in 2 decades. She still wants me to call her mommy. I feel uncomfortable addressing her as "mom" in her birthday cards. I have a mom, she just isn't related to me by blood. So having Ann in the hospital would be like having some woman that I only know casually there, it just would be weird. If the answer is no, why am I struggling with it? I am a people pleaser. I guess it is part of being the oldest child. I hate disappointing people. I won't say no when people ask me to do something, even if I really don't want to. One of my friends has volunteered to tell Ann "no" for me. I don't have to give her the answer today, but I don't want her getting her hopes up by waiting too long. Even though she has hurt me many times, I don't want to hurt her.

1 comment:

Murray said...

Trust me when I say that you will only want people that you are very close at the birth. You will need support and will need to be 100% focused on the baby and yourself. Let this be the first of many times you start putting yourself first... I'm a people pleaser too but the more often you say 'no' the easier it gets.

Giving birth is a powerful experience and you will only want good positive memories about it.

Congrats on your pregnancy!