Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Book Tour Questions: Waiting for Daisy

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.


1. Orenstein struggles with the feeling that she "waited too long to start trying to conceive". How does this compare to your feelings about the timing of your journey to parenthood?

I was ready to start having children before I was married. The only thing in my life I have ever been sure of, is that I wanted to be a mother. Due to our young age when M and I married, and his return to school, we put off TTC a year or two after we were both ready. One time about year or longer before we started TTC, M had a dream and he felt like God was trying to tell him the time was right. He is not the kind of person to make claims like this but he was certain God was telling him it was time. After the miscarriage, M felt like God was punishing him for disobedience. His feelings made me worry we had waited to long. Although I am 28, after my miscarriage I began to wonder if I was too old to have children. People used to be done having children by the time they reached my age.

2. Peggy relied on a few things to comfort and give her a sense of security while pregnant or after miscarrying. Did you find that you also had a token, or good luck charm, or item you used to help you recover from loss or a failed cycle?

My journal and my blog are what have helped me the most after my miscarriage. It feels good to be able to express my feelings and get them out of my head. My blog is useful because I have found many people are in the same or similar situations.

3. Peggy struggles through the book with questions of heritage, genes, and religion. How important is it for you and your partner to have a child that is biologically yours and why? What feelings go into that decision/choice for you right now if you are still trying to have a child ?

I would say that it is only slightly important to have a child with our genes. I would love to see what the combination of M and I would look like. However, with my family history, I know that love is thicker than blood, so no matter how we become parents, we will be happy. I look exactly like Ann (biological mother), but I do not feel any connection to her. I love my mom, brother, sister, niece, nephew, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. and am not related to them by blood at all. My great-aunt and uncle from my Mom's side traveled halfway across the country to my wedding without us knowing until they arrived. I didn't join their family until I was 9, but they still loved me that much. I know that if I never have a biological child, I will still love my children with all my heart.

4. This book was the first glimpse I've had at someone with spontaneous conception and recurrent miscarriages. As someone who has never had a BFP (even after an HCG shot), it was a chance to see what the love and loss cycle is. It made me realize: I've never thought of people like Peggy as infertile. We always hear about how secondary infertility is the persona non grata of the infertile world, but I'm wondering if maybe it is women in the conception/miscarriage cycle that get short shrift?

I don't envy anyone who suffers from infertility or loss. In the past few months I miscarried, and have had friends who delivered a stillborn son, another friend who miscarried at 16 weeks, another friend miscarried at 7 weeks. Then I have learned of people who delivered a child with a birth defect that caused their death a few months later. I also think of my grandmother who lost a son when he was 5 and a daughter when she was 22. Before my own miscarriage, I thought it would be an awful thing to experience, but how can I say my experience was easier or harder to deal with than any of the other situations. People who suffer from infertility seem to deal with the loss of dreams which seems very similar to what I am grieving.

6 comments:

Ellen K. said...

Good answers. I especially like your answer to #3; it's wonderful that your own experience has shown how family is not a strictly biological construct.

Carlynn said...

I loved your answer about family being more about love than blood. I hope things go better for you. AS for God punishing you, I know it can feel like that but fight that, I honestly don't think it is his nature to be like that, his ways are just mysterious, sometimes incredibley mysterious.

Coffeegrl said...

I loved you answer to #3, it made me all teary-eyed. That's all I want in life - to make a family - it doesn't really matter how. I just feel that I have so much love to give. And although I've always had wonderful, very close relationships with my mom, dad and sister, I never assumed it was because we shared genes. We share a history of crazy camping trips, family recipes, and happy holidays together and that's what I want to pass on. Thanks for sharing!

The Town Criers said...

I too loved the line that love is thicker than blood. And it's so true. If not--how would we have such a deep love for our partner/spouse?

I'm glad you started the blog and it connected you to so many people.

BestLight said...

As an adoptive mom, I really appreciated your answer to #3.

RE #2: Writing can be so helpful in the grieving process. It's like a mind dump, or, as you say, "express my feelings and get them out of my head."

I am sorry for your loss.

Lori

Bea said...

I'm glad you found solace in your journal and blog.

Bea