Monday, June 11, 2007

Everything the opposite

I sent out an e-mail on Friday announcing my pregnancy to my friends. I was pretty nervous about it, because I still need their encouragement while I am grieving. I need them to understand that pregnancy does not erase the pain of losing a child as much as I want it to.

I had to tell them though. My clothes are starting to fit tight and they have been asking me how much I am running. I am out of excuses other than telling the truth that I haven't run in over a month.

I actually feel pretty guilty about that. With the first pregnancy I kept exercising with my doctors OK. I was in pretty good shape and could run for 60 minutes, no problem. I also had pretty awesome arm, leg, and shoulder muscles. I watched my heart rate, drank plenty of fluids, and made sure I could talk throughout my workout.

Immediately after the miscarriage I immersed myself in exercise. I would pound my feet and cry while I ran on the treadmill. I ran 7 miles with a vengeance, the farthest I have ever gone in my life. It was like I could outrun my grief. I planned to do a half-marathon in May and later a biathlon on the first baby's due date.

About a month after my miscarriage, exercise began to feel impossible. I would go to the gym and see all these perfect, skinny, 20 year olds, with perfectly matching workout outfits. I would start crying during my workouts and have to leave. I started making excuses to miss run club. I started Zoloft and sort of got my energy back. I still didn't feel like exercise though. Then I went out of town and got busy on the weekends...and found out I was pregnant.

Then I started doing everything the opposite of my first pregnancy. I didn't drink any caffeine despite the research showing caffeine in moderation is safe, I quit using my Nalgene bottle for water (the breaking down of the polycarbonate has a possible link to miscarriage although research has yet to support it), didn't exercise, and ate whatever I wanted (except for the stuff that the smell made me nauseous). I wasn't doing everything opposite on purpose, I just was. Even though the doctor says I didn't cause my miscarriage, it is impossible not to believe him deep down.

I am now 14 weeks and have been looking at my calendar. With this pregnancy, I don't know for sure, but most likely I was pregnant when I ran 7 miles. I was pregnant during several 45 and 60 minute runs. I was pregnant when I lost weight from limiting my calories. I didn't do any of that on purpose, I just didn't know I was pregnant. As of right now, the baby is OK.

Now that I realize I was doing everything the opposite to avoid another miscarriage, I am going to focus on getting healthy again. I am back to enjoying my daily Diet Dew (only 1 per day though), drinking water from my Nalgene bottle, and I will exercise tonight. I may not run, but I will take a brisk walk. I will not track my calories, but I will make a better effort to eat healthy foods. I did not cause my first miscarriage and I have to make myself believe that.

4 comments:

Beka said...

I know, Rachel. I struggle all the time with worrying about whether this or that thing that I did caused my miscarriage. It's really hard, but I have to just make up my mind to stop those thoughts and just trust God. I'm glad this pregnancy is going well, though, although I know it doesn't erase your pain. I'm praying for you!

kiLikiNa said...

i had a miscarriage 2 months ago and every day, i kept telling myself that it wasn't my fault and it sometimes is difficult when people ask me, "did you do something wrong" and etc and i just want to scream at them. but, we just have to get through it all. (http://thenest.garynchristine.com)

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

I just went through a miscarriage this week and thats what I thought - next time I do everything differently but somewhere I know that some things are just cannot not be controlled by you.

Wish you the best with your pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

How much and how often should you exercise during first 3 months post miscarriage?

Regards