Monday, June 4, 2007

I thought I was better...

Last week I felt like I was making real strides in the healing process. I was beginning to think of names for the baby, thinking about how to paint the baby's room, and looking for fabric to make a new car seat cover for the infant seat my mom gave me.

Then Saturday came around. M and I were in a department store and happened across the baby section. They had a ton of infant stuff for our college. We were looking at it trying to figure out what size our baby would be next summer. I started looking to see what else they had and to get an idea of prices for when we start buying stuff in a few months. Suddenly, my heart was pounding really hard, I choked up and had to leave. The tears just wouldn't stop falling. It was like I was OK looking if I just glanced, but if I spent too much time I was cheating on our first baby.

Yesterday at church I felt emotional again. K and her husband were sitting in front of us and a girl who is due in July was sitting behind us. The girl due in July was having her baby shower yesterday. I have been preparing myself for a month to try to go. Before long there will be showers for me, and I will have to be there. Anyway, I was having trouble focusing on the worship service. I didn't feel like singing and I couldn't pay attention to the prayers. Right before the preacher got up to start the sermon he wanted everyone to take a minute to greet the people around them. I could feel the tears welling up, I turned to my friend CF to see if she had Kleenex in her purse and she didn't. The tears really started falling when she said no and I had to leave the service. I locked myself in a bathroom stall for about 10 minutes waiting for the other women in the bathroom to leave so I could splash cold water on my face. While I was in the stall I kept having thoughts about what if I don't love the baby I am carrying now? What if the baby I am carrying never feels like he or she can live up to the first baby? Etc. Those thoughts really did not help me calm down. I know I will love this baby with all my heart, I just hope I am able to express that to this baby. Anyway, M and I left church and went to Panera where we were able to talk. I felt a lot better after that. Maybe next week we need to sit on the other side of the building.

I keep thinking I am better then I have a set back like yesterday.

4 comments:

Chris said...

Rachel, I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you. Luckily the 40 weeks of pregnancy give you time to come to terms with all that you are feeling, and I have no doubt that you do, in fact, love this baby tremdously, even if you are hesitant to indulge yourself in this feeling now. My prayers are with you.

chicklet said...

Wow, I don't know what to say as I've been fortunate enough to be spared that heartache so far, but my thoughts are with you. I'm sure this can't be easy - the conflicting excitement vs guilt, I'm sorry it has to be so hard.

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for the hugs! And right back to you, too. Sounds like a really tough day.

Tiffany said...

so sorry you had a rough day at church. We have only been back to our church twice since my miscarriage last June. The first time I cried during the entire service and finally had to leave after the sermon because I just couldn't keep it together any longer. The second time was about a month ago. A couple with a newborn baby girl was sitting a few rows in front of us. I teared up the entire service and at one point thought I'd have to leave. But I stuck it out.

We still haven't been back since. I don't know why it is so hard. I'm pregnant now so you'd think it would be fine-but it is still very emotional.