Monday, June 18, 2007

Monday again

I am glad the weekend is over. I am tired so I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors below.

Father's day was difficult, not as hard as mother's day was, but still difficult. I did get M a card and a new Bible. His old one was falling apart and I used the day as an excuse to get him something. I almost skipped church but decided to go. Fortunately there were no huge announcements asking all the fathers to stand.

Yesterday afternoon M's dad called us from the middle of Wyoming. M's mom had a migraine and had run out of her medication. She had a new prescription, but it was at their house, several hundred miles away. We drove across town, got the prescription, and went to 2 different Walgreen's before we found one that the pharmacy was still open so they could call it into the Walgreen's in Wyoming. A pretty amazing thing when you think about it. Anyway, the one we found was next to the O'Charley's we went to the night of the scare. It brought tears to my eyes thinking how sad we were that night. Then as we were pulling out of the parking lot, M had a rare comment about the miscarriage. By rare I mean one that was not provoked by me.

He said that he thought maybe the reason we are pregnant now, is because God knew we would be scared no matter when we got pregnant, so He just decided to allow the fear and grief to exist side by side. In a way I agree that maybe that way is better instead of us grieving for the last 4 months and then getting pregnant sometime in July or later and being scared all the time. At the same time though I don't understand why, if God wants us to be parents, He didn't allow us to keep the first baby?" I know that I can not possibly understand God's plans.

I get daily Bible verses e-mailed to me from K-Love. This morning I had 2 that sort of bothered me, "You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it." --Matthew 21:22, NLT and "Keep on will receive what you ask for. Keep on will find. Keep on knocking...the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. " --Matthew 7:7-8, NLT.

The first one bothers me because we prayed for a healthy child and lost that baby. Maybe it wasn't healthy, I don't know. The second verse bothers me because we didn't receive the answer to prayer that we wanted with our first baby. Although now as I reread it, I wonder if the 2nd baby isn't the answer to our prayer. I am by no means a Bible scholar. Maybe someday I will get to ask God what His reason for all this is, or maybe when I am in heaven I will no longer care because I will have that first baby with me too.


decemberbaby said...

I'd be a bit bothered by the quotes as well... one of the lessons I learned after my miscarriage is that we don't always get what we pray for - and we don't always get an explanation, either.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm looking forward to following the rest of your journey.

Karaoke Diva said...

Does there have to be a reason? Sometimes life just IS. I lost my second child at 9 weeks. I don't feel there was a reason for that. It was just the luck of the draw that she was created without the requisite number of chromosomes. A lot of the time when we search for reasons, we find ourselves blaming ourselves and that's not good.

Don't look for reasons. Just appreciate the time you had with your angel baby.

Bobby and Ivy said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Well, sweetie. I know after my miscarriage that my faith us truely tested. We dont' know why these things happen, but I have chosen to not look for the reason.

I hope as your pregnancy progresses you begin to relaz. (of course it took me the whole nine months...) And enjoy it. It goes by so quickly!

Chris said...

It is so hard when we don't get what we pray for. And when what we get doesn't match up with what we prayed for. If I had the answers I would share, but like you, I'm just trying to figure out what makes sense.

Melanie said...

I too question why. I hate not having an answer because I am a person that always tries to understand why. I'm still having a hard time understanding why it happened and it kills me that I'll never know.

Trish said...

I, too, am always looking for answers why. Why these troubles conceiving. Why our baby died. Why we can't get pregnant again. I work very hard on my faith that someday I'll understand. Until then, I just cry and pray for strength. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Caro said...

Thanks for stopping by. I can't answer your questions about God, it's something I have no answers to.

Rachel said...

Thanks for all your responses. I think Karaoke Diva is right, there may not have to be a reason. It is just difficult to remember that in the midst of grief.

Artblog said...

I agree, there are no answers sometimes, it just is.

Maybe there's a reason, maybe there's not, will we ever know either way?


Tiffany said...

I too would struggle with those verses. I thought I would never have a miscarriage because the Bible says God doesn't give us more than we can handle-and I certainly couldn't handle a miscarriage-so I was safe...right?

The results indicated our baby was "dismorphically disformed", when I told people this a few would say "well I guess the miscarriage was God's way of taking care of it". WHAT? If God had taken care of it my baby wouldn't have been disformed, my baby wouldn't have died.

I know God has a plan for everything-but why that included my baby dying-I will never understand.

Monica H said...

I totally understand why you don't like these quotes. I am still trying to understand why my babies were taken from us. I still wonder if my prayers were even heard. Were they good enough? If God gives you what you ask for, then why did this happen? I may never know the answers to my questions, and you're right, when I do get to Heaven, will the answer even matter?