Monday, July 23, 2007

Realization

As I was sitting in church Sunday, I realized that I had turned a corner. The babies in the room fussing no longer made me sad, I enjoyed singing the songs, I was able to pay attention to the sermon, and I didn't try to avoid talking to people. I realized that God had walked me through my struggles and He was still with me. I still don't understand why we had to lose our first baby and I never will, but I do know that God still loves me and has blessed me.



A weird thing happened yesterday. We were at my in-laws to show them the most recent ultrasound pictures and my father-in-law talked about his plans for our baby. They were all the typical grandfather things: throwing a football, going fishing, working on the farm, watching sports, etc. It sort of bothered me though. I guess it was the first time I realized that someone outside of M and I was making plans for our child. As he was talking about those things I was picturing our helpless infant being drug to the farm or out on the mosquito infested lake and worried about the safety of an infant that couldn't yet hold up his head. I am almost positive that my father-in-law was referring to the 3, 5, or 10 year old that our son will be when he enjoys those types of things. It doesn't bother me anymore, just in that moment. I keep forgetting that our son is just a part of the bigger picture.

My father-in-law also told me that he has the blanket his grandmother made him that he and M were carried home from the hospital in. I kind of pictured carrying our baby home in something I made. It isn't really a huge deal, but at the same time it never occurred to me that M's family would have traditions about what we should do with our baby. I talked to M and told him that if it was important to him, we would use the blanket, otherwise I would continue with my plan to make a blanket for our baby. I have made many blankets and quilts for other people's babies, so it would seem wrong not to do it for my own. I also suggested a compromise, since we will be bringing our baby home in the winter, we could use 2 blankets. We can take pictures with both of the blankets and both parties are satisfied.

2 comments:

Chris said...

It must be an odd feeling as you start to realize the impact of your unborn child on the rest of your family. It sounds like you are handling it with grace. I'm so glad you are getting more comfortable with things.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm glad you're feeling more distance from the pain of the past. I wouldn't expect you to forget what happened, but I'm happy that you can move forward.

Your idea for using two blankets sounds like a beautiful compromise.