Tuesday, August 21, 2007


There is a picture of Sully, a lilac crested amazon parrot. He (I think) is my brother's most recent acquisition. I am not a bird person, but I still think Sully is a pretty bird. I have no idea why he is called lilac as he is obviously green.
Last night I was really emotional about the first baby again. I think it is because of the pregnancy hormones, I'd be upset no matter what but since I have a place to focus my emotions, I focus on our lost baby.
I feel guilty when I grieve the first baby, I know I should be happy with the baby I will have in a few short months. Instead I am just overwhelmed with sadness about losing the first one. Last night I prayed that God would take my grief and guilt away. I guess it just takes time. I keep picturing the baby's tiny body and imagining what we would have named him. I am sad I never made him a blanket or got an ultrasound picture printed out. M tries really hard to understand, but the loss just has not affected him in the same way. He saw my pain when everything was happening and wanted to take it away and was helpless to do so. My body didn't change enough for him to really see that I was expecting a child.
This time around he is very attached to the baby. This baby is the one M has the connection to, not the first one. OK, that's enough for now, I sure don't need to start crying again.


Melanie said...

I understand your guilt. It was your first child and you will probably always grieve for it, even if you have 5 more kids! I hope you feel better soon :)

Elizabeth said...

grieving the loss of your first child doesn't mean you love this one any less. Sounds like the first one didn't seem as real to M. Sorry this hurts so much.