Thursday, August 16, 2007

Happy & Sad

The itching has finally mostly stopped! I still get an itch here and there but for the most part it is over. It is so nice! My skin is looking more and more clear every day and I suspect in a week or so it should be back to "normal".

Last night we went to Cincinnati and the Gap Clearance store. I didn't find anything for myself, but I did find an adorable onesie for the little guy. I can't find a picture of it but it is white, long sleeved with red trim and has a screen printed picture of a black lab puppy with a bow tied around the neck. Embroidered under the picture is, "my first christmas". I can't wait for him to wear it. I was almost giddy last imagining cuddling up to him wearing it.

On the way home I talked to M about how we could be having a baby in a month. In a way it is really sad that we won't, but we still get to experience the joy of having a child in just a few months. For M, the timing of the second baby is much better. He is settling into his job and by December will be able to take some time off to be with me. If the baby were coming in a few weeks, the situation may be a little different.

I also finally told him that in my reading with this pregnancy, I think that the first baby was developmentally behind schedule. For some reason that was really hard to verbalize. I guess I felt like if I kept it inside, it wasn't true. When we lost the baby, he should have had eyelids, but didn't. It is possible that had the baby survived he would have developed them within the next week, but I don't really know. It made me really sad picturing that baby again. We have decided to go bury our box on September 23, the baby's due date. I think both M and I will gain a lot of closure then. The 23rd is also the 11th anniversary of our first date.

Getting sad over the first baby continued today when we had our division meeting. There is a girl who is due September 26 and seeing her made me realize how I should be looking right now. Even though I am really excited about our son that is due in December, I am so sad that we had to lose a baby first.


Brandy said...

The Happy/Sad is a really hard thing to describe to anyone that hasn't experienced a loss. My due date with my first pregnancy was 10/18/06. A friend of mine was about 2 weeks behind me and due at the beginning of November. Seeing her change and show and go through everything I thought I should be going through was gut wrenching. I prayed for understanding and getting pregnant again fairly quickly helped but it was still hard. When the 20-week ultrasound was scheduled I was shocked to find out we would find out the sex of our baby on 10/18. I think the Lord knew I needed something great to get me through that date. Also, my friend had some blood pressure complications and had to be induced 2 weeks early and I prayed that her baby would not be born on 10/18, for some reason I just didn't think I could handle that, and she was born on 10/19. I wish I could say that it got better but I sometimes still think about that first baby when I think about October, even though I have my sweet wonderful Aiden.

Can't wait to see pics of your little guy come Christmas though, I'm sure he will be adorable in that little onesie.

Melanie said...

It's always sad when you see someone that's due when you were. I think that if nothing is wrong with you, maybe it was a good thing that your body automatically knew. That's how I like to think of it too.

My first wedding anniversary is on the 23rd. What a great day that would have been for you :) Hopefully you will find some closure you've been needing.

Geohde said...

My baby would have been due next month. I agree, it is a terribly sad thing.