Thursday, September 6, 2007


I am not one of those stick thin girls. I never have been and never will be. I am conscientious about eating right and exercising. I am not perfect about it, but I am aware of how to eat properly and exercise regularly with good form. Recently though I have been slacking off.

I have had a lot of food aversions, so I just eat whatever I can. Thankfully that is usually lots of fruits.

I have also had trouble exercising. Partly due to pregnancy I think, but mostly due to depression from the miscarriage. In the days following our loss I would go to the gym at the university and be surrounded by these size 4, 18 and 19 year olds and just feel like a fat blob. Even though exercise made me fell better, I quit going to the gym.

Since then I have been walking, I am forced to because I have to park so far from my building, but beyond that I have been sort of lazy. During June and July it was nice enough out that M and I walked regularly at night. Lately though the highs have been in the 90's and it is miserable outside, so we haven't been walking.

When we were at the pet store while my brother was here, I stepped on the scale meant to weigh pets and was shocked by the number I saw. Granted, it was the end of the day, I had just eaten a HUGE lunch, and I was fully dressed, but I really don't want to gain too much weight with this pregnancy. I realized that I need to stay active not only to manage my weight gain, but also for a better labor, delivery, and recovery.

So....last night I went to the gym for the first time since March or April. I had a mini-crisis before going. It took 6 outfits before I found one that worked. Before I left I looked in the mirror and was horrified by how I looked. I actually said out loud, "Don't be hard on yourself Rachel, you are 6 months pregnant."
So I went to the gym for the first time in my life without the goal of trying to lose weight. It was difficult keeping my heart rate low enough and not to pile on the weights and do my former workout, but I did it. I am a little sore today, in the good way. It is so hard to get used to my changing body. I just hope to stay as healthy as possible mentally and physically.

P.S. So far the step down off of zoloft is going well.


Marianne said...

I happened upon your blog when searching for Peggy Orenstein's miscarriage article (she was recently on NPR and the article sounded fascinating). I'm so very sorry for your loss and happy that you are now expecting. I myself had two miscarriages before my two successful pregnancies (I now have a two month old and a 5 1/2 month old). I still think about the babies I lost, but the minute my first child was born, my grief over the past suddenly seemed to move to a different place - always there, especially if I looked for it, but it seemed so much more filtered and less acute.

You were very brave to post all of the details of what you experienced and felt during your miscarriage, but even more importantly, I think the information will be very helpful to those who may be going through it or who worry about it. If I had found your blot when I went through my miscarriages, it would have been . . . comforting, I guess, to know how my this experience was for another. Especially the spotting details - too much for some, but for anyone who is pregnant after having a miscarriage, I think you find yourself checking for spotting right up until the delivery date!

Well, hang in there for your last trimester. It tends to be tough, especially with swelling & fatigue & heartburn, but I found that at least the swelling is better when pregnant during cool weather vs hot.

God Bless and best of luck to you.

Marianne said...

Err - I meant two year old and 5 1/2 month old - not that you care!! That's what I get for typing at 4 am (the 5 month old is teething and keeping me up . . )

Melanie said...

Good luck with going off of Zoloft! It's hard to get off of anxiety medication but once off, it feels great. I was only taking mine when I needed to and I didn't even go back on it after right after my miscarriage. I did go on it for awhile after my parents split and that coupled with the miscarriage was too much. Again, good luck ;)

ultimatejourney said...

Congrats on getting back to the gym. It's hard to work out in a pregnancy-appropriate way when you're used to doing much more.

I know where you're coming from with the body-image issues as well. I had a mini-crisis last night when looking in my closet for a dress to wear for a wedding next weekend. It turns out my boobs are too big for even my 'fat' dresses. (I wear mostly knit tops to work, which must stretch and prevent me from noticing just how ridiculous my chest is getting.)

I hope the exercise will help with the Zoloft transition as well.