Friday, September 21, 2007

September 23rd

I have been thinking about this post in my head for a long time now. I don't really want it to be sad, but I am afraid it will be. I also want to be honest and not hide my feelings.

The first child M and I conceived was supposed to be perfect. I know all children are supposed to be perfect, but things just really fell into place for us. I got pregnant pretty much the first time we actually tried. I had been off birth control for a few months hoping to get pregnant, but that was the first time we actually tried.

We conceived on New Year's Eve or Day a significant point in our relationship because that was when M first asked me to go out with him. We found out we were expecting on a day we were both off work and had nothing else going on. It was so sweet when I walked into the office with a huge smile on my face and M knew instantly what the smile meant. We immediately when to the bookstore and I got a pregnancy book and he got a book about being a father. We spent the rest of the day with goofy smiles on our faces, reading, and exclaiming "we're going to have a baby" to each other randomly.

I had no horrible pregnancy symptoms. Our baby's due date according to an online site was September 23, the 11th anniversary of our first date to our senior homecoming. We couldn't have planned it better if we were trying.

I would complete my first trimester in time to announce the pregnancy to our families on my father in-law's birthday. This would be my in-laws first grandchild. I would have been 20 weeks the Monday after M's graduation and my family would have been in town so that we could tell them in person the gender of their 3rd grandchild. Like I said everything was going to be perfect.

Prior to getting pregnant, I had lost weight, got back into running, finally gotten to travel overseas, quit caffeine. While in Ireland on a bus tour I didn't even take Dramamine while driving through the mountains just in case it would be harmful to our future child, a sacrifice because I get car sick very easily. M was about to graduate and we would have time before the child arrived to save up some money. We had waited until we were old enough and responsible enough to become parents. We waited until we both had completed school. We waited until we had been married long enough to really build a strong marriage and gotten to enjoy each others company.

I had been praying for this baby for several years. I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. I prayed that the baby would inherit all of M's best and my best traits and none of our worst. I believed that all things asked for in prayer would be given to me. Unfortunately, as perfect as everything seemed, that baby was not meant to be. I do not understand God's plan.

This weekend or sometime in the next few days I should be holding my first child. Instead M and I will be visiting his grandfather's grave to bury the letters we wrote to our child and the box he was carried to the hospital in. We hope to gain some closure about our loss. We also hope to spend some time alone being happy, I am so tired of being sad. I know we will never forget this baby, but it is time to be joyful about the child we will hold soon.

Normally M and I say "happy 23rd" to each other the 23rd of every month. I am not sure this Sunday will be a happy 23rd, but there will be some good things about that day.


Melanie said...

I'm really sorry :( As I was reading, I saw myself in that post because of the quickness you conceived and the excitement, then utter sadness. I'm very sad for you but at the same time I'm glad you have another child you can be happy over. I guess it is it the way things are supposed to be, althought we will never understand why.

Brandy said...

Please know that you are not alone. After losing our first pregnancy (after 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant) I saw the due date looming as a horrible date that I would have to overcome. We were extremely blessed that on our due date, Oct 18, 2006 we were able to find out the gender of our sweet baby. I truly believe the Lord knew that we would need that to get through all of the feelings that would surely come upon us. I will be praying for you this weekend and truly hope the Lord sends you peace.

SaraS-P said...

When my due date passed, I was in a horrible state. I wish you strength as your passes. You have a wonderful partner and a strong relationship from what I've read, and that is an important source of strength.

Geohde said...

Can I offer you a big virtual hug?

Due dates are very difficult.



Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry this all happened to you; it's so hard to know how to understand it.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. I hope burying the letters and the box brought you some peace.

Sarah said...

it is very sad but there are bright spots too. it sounds like you guys have a wonderful marriage, and i hope your private farewell yesterday felt as right as it sounds and brings you some peace.