Thursday, October 18, 2007

It still takes my breath away

We have this program at work that if you log your healthy habits, you get a $15 per month award. Every so often a student will contact you to go over your responses to the survey. On Tuesday I got my call. The young guy says "I see since the last time we spoke to you in March you had a healthy pregnancy and baby." I barely squeaked out, "No, I lost that pregnancy." He was mortified and had no idea how to respond. He asked a couple more questions and then promised to update my records before hanging up. My breath was gone for several minutes after I hung up

The last time I got called, it was shortly after I had filled out the survey that I was pregnant. The survey doesn't ask when you are due, just if you are pregnant. When the girl called in March I only told her I was no longer pregnant, and that I was trying to lose weight. I didn't tell her how my pregnancy ended.

Then yesterday I got my flu shot. I double checked with the nurses that it was safe since I wasn't at my OBs office. The nurse responded that not only was it safe, it is recommended. Then she asked if this was my first. I responded, "yes". I felt like I was lying though. I didn't want to go into details with these strangers, but technically this isn't my first. This is the first child I will have the opportunity to raise into adulthood, but this is not my first. She asked an innocent question, and I obsessed about my answer all day.

One of my fears is that after I deliver, all my friends and family will forget that I was pregnant before. I guess I am worried that they think I should be over it. For the most part I think that is what they think. I have a couple friends who are sensitive to this, but neither my family nor M's is.

I guess there will always be a part of me grieving and that is OK. I guess that is part of why having a blog is so helpful. Others who understand can be there for me when my real life people can't.


Melanie said...

Only someone who has gone through it can understand the pain of a miscarriage. I feel that most people think I'm over it as no one asks me about it or asks me how I'm doing minus my blog friends. It's not something that will ever go away even if we have other children.

Elizabeth said...

It's so obvious to me from your blog how much your first baby meant to you, and how hard it is not to have others be mindful of the loss.

so - I just went pwp but e-mail me at eep6[at]cornell[dot]edu and I'll get you on the A-list!

Geohde said...

My friends and family have kind of forgotten that I was ever pregnant, even though I've yet to manage it again.

I never know whether to let it lie, or question these people who genuinely felt sad and were so damn helpful when the birth defect was found out, why they pretend it never happened NOW.


But, yes, I think part of the grief stays for ever, and thats totally normal.


kiLikiNa said...

i know what you mean. everyone kind of forgotten that i ever had an ectopic and a miscarriage. and they get shocked when i tell them this is my 3rd child because they always think this as the first.

Monica H said...

I often feel like I am lying, when people ask if we have kids and I say no. I feel like I am somehow disowning my own children just because they were born too early. I am working on this one though, because when I do tell them I don't have children, the always say "good, children are a hassle" or "wait. You'll never have a life after children" and the best one yet "you don't want children" (not a question a statement)whatever. I feel I owe it to them to acknowledge them even if there are questions to follow. It's tough.

Brandy said...

That's a very hard thing, with any death. I know I am lucky that people acknowledge my miscarriage but I'm sure it's not easy for them to do either. When people ask if Aiden is my first I actually do answer - well, he's my first little guy but I did have a miscarriage a few months before conceiving him. People sometimes don't know how to respond but I figure they asked the personal question, they're going to get a personal answer in response. I hope whatever answer you come up with that you're happy with it and that it makes you feel good about it.