Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dear Couple

Dear Couple from my OBs Office,

I made eye contact with you as you were leaving, I hope that means you didn't see my belly. I know that look in your eyes, the one with a blank stare and tears. Your baby didn't make it. I am so sorry. I wanted to chase you to the elevator and give you a hug, but I didn't think a hug from an obviously pregnant person would help you feel any better. I cried for you yesterday before the door even closed. I cried for you last night when I told my husband how sad I was for you.

I have been in your shoes. It sucks! The next few days will be really hard. I promise that it does get easier. Some days several months out will still be hard, but you will begin to have more good days than bad. I have been praying for you. Allow your friends and family to take care of you. Please lean on each other, you need each other right now.

I know you were really excited, had made plans, and had dreams. I am sorry that you won't get to follow through with them. I pray that you will be blessed with a child someday. I am sorry you were not this time.

Rachel

16 comments:

SaraS-P said...

well put.

When you've been there, you can't help but relive the pain when you see it in someone else

Monica H said...

I hate when that happens! and you just know what has happened without any words said. You just know.

Meg said...

Probably the most helpful blog entry I have read in a while. You are a very sweet woman to think about them and their circumstance....sometimes I wish there was a back door to go out of at the OB. ;)

Maddie's Mom said...

It's a horrible club to be in, and it hurts to see someone else have to join. :(

K @ ourboxofrain said...

Thanks, Rachel, for posting this (and for being so thoughtful, sensitive and sweet). I wasn't the woman in your OBs office, but I was that woman in mine, and it did suck.

sushilover said...

That is the best letter I've ever read. Thanks for posting :)

kiLikiNa said...

that was a very compassionate and sweet letter. i'm glad that when i was told of the miscarriage, i didn't need to face a pregnant woman on the way out. but if someone told me what you said in the letter, it would've helped me feel better then.

Monica said...

OMG!!! The same thing happened to me and I posted about it on my blog too! I was gigantic pregnant and walking into the OBs office and a couple walking out had that same look. I wanted to die. I never wanted to be that blissfully happy pregnant woman who I hated seeing. I wished there was a shirt I could have worn while pregnant that said:

"Don't ask about my pregnancy, my first baby died" so people wouldn't tell me their "horror stories" of getting a c-section and women whose babies had also died would know that I wasn't that blissfully pregnant woman.

I too wanted to say something but didn't.

CallieSam said...

I am a firm believer that there should be separate waiting areas and/or entrances for pregnant women and everyone else. There is nothing worse than sitting in a waiting room full of happy pregnant couples while you’re waiting for the ultrasound that confirms your baby has died. And as much as I LOVE my doctor, I really wish they would take it down a notch with the pictures of babies in that place. When I went in for my follow-up appointment after my D&C there was literally a GIANT poster of a baby on the wall behind the examining table. Fabulous.

Christyna said...

You are so compassionate and empathetic. That was wonderfully written and brought a tear to my ear. I always fear going to my ob/gyn for that reason now, some how your blog, kind of reminds us that not all pregnant people have an easy time and are blissful and without worry. Thank you so much.

Kate said...

Same thing happened to me when I was about 36 weeks. I just wanted to crawl under the chair so that they wouldn't see me and my big belly. My eyes teared up every time I looked at them. I really wanted to say something. I remembered being in their shoes. I didn't need anyone to make me feel better; I just wanted people to acknowledge that I had a reason to be sad. The pregnant anesthesiologist at my D&C said to me, "I am so sorry you are here," and that was probably the most compassionate and understanding comment anyone could have ever made. I was so grateful for those few simple words acknowledging my pain.

Throughout this entire pregnancy, I have been struggling with this sense of embarrassment (for the lack of better word) about being pregnant. I didn't want to look like another uber fertile person; somehow I wanted to let people know that getting this belly didn't come easily. And seeing the crying couple in the OB office was definitely the strongest example of that.

Kim said...

I just found your blog today thru baby blogs and have spent the better part of the day reading from beginning up til now. I was trying to hold off on commenting until I read it all but after reading this post I couldn't help but say something.

I wasn't the lady in your office but I was that lady in my office just 3 days ago. I've had 2 miscarriages since July. The last with twins the day before Thanksgiving. My follow up appt was 3 days ago. I was that women in the office with tears streaming down her face, praying for her name to be called so she could get out of that room full of baby bumps. It was just awful.

I hope one day to be one of the smiling ones again.

Blessings to all who have been in our shoes.

Bea said...

It's hard to say it all in just a fleeting look to a stranger. I hope they understood.

Bea

kate said...

I came over from Creme de la Creme. This is a very sweet post. Thank you for sharing it.
-kate

Anonymous said...

I have found more comfort in knowing I'm not alone than I have in being told that I can go on to have a healthy baby "the next time". I just found out on Thursday that I had a missed miscarriage and need to have a D&C on Monday. I found your share to be comforting and I thank you! Katie

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I just stumbled onto your blog. I just miscarried at 12 weeks last Monday and I am struggling. This post...just thank you. Thank you for leaving this blog up as well, clearly you understand how much others going through this will find solace reading it.