Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since I won' t be posting for the next 4 or 5 days I have several random things that don't really link together to post about. I decided to post them all at once.
Christyna---Thanks for your comments on my last post, it made me feel better.
Last week I got my pre-admission paperwork from the hospital. I had already pre-registered online so I had no idea what the paperwork would consist of. It was releases and the paperwork for a birth certificate.

As I was filling out the birth certificate I was struck by the strangeness of some of the questions, how many cigarettes did you smoke while pregnant, what was your pre-pregnancy weight, what was your weight at delivery, and how many prenatal visits did you have. I found those questions to be a little weird and I am pretty sure they don't show up on the birth certificate. Then I got to the section on previous pregnancies. The first box asked how many live births you had and then had you fill in the number that were still living and those not living. The next box asked how many miscarriages/abortions you had. They were lumped together as if they were the same thing, it really upset me. I was on the phone with my brother and had to hang up mid conversation (and for once we weren't discussing his pets). Later I got mad when I realized that people like my friends M & K who lost their son at 37 weeks have no box to fill out. Their son was not born live, but he was definitely not a miscarriage. Our state issues birth certificates in the case of stillbirth, but yet there is not a box to check to account for him when completing the paperwork? I looked up the director over vital statistics and plan to try to get those boxes changed. I am sure it won't be easy, but I don't want my miscarriage lumped in with an abortion and I don't want my friends to not have a box to check when they finally do have another child.
Warning the next part is long, rambling, and full of family memories:

My mom is different. In recent months I have learned that she may be more normal than I thought, but I still think she is different. I don't know if my family is going to visit when little guy is born, and I am scared to ask. For a year she told us they would be here for M's graduation then the week before they were supposed to arrive I found out from my dad they weren't coming. Another time my youngest brother was supposed to go on a mission trip with me to Mexico. I didn't invite him until after I had my parents permission and they agreed to help him pay for the trip. I still gave it another week and double checked with them before I invited him. The day before the deposit was due they decided he couldn't go. So now, even though I really want my mom and dad to be here, I am scared to ask. I know they'll say yes, but I don't want to be disappointed when they don't end up coming.

Mom can't plan anything ahead of time. She hates to travel but once on the spur of the moment drove 8 hours to Canada, in the winter, post 9/11, for a fish sandwich. She didn't have her purse, coat, or rabies tag for her dog who was also with her. She got into Canada fine, but the only thing that allowed her back into the US was the fact that she crossed the border at a rarely traveled crossing and her story was so crazy the border patrol figured it had to be true.

Anyhow, when I was talking to my brother the other night, he mentioned that they were planning to visit, but he didn't know if they were going to leave while in the hospital, or if they would wait until Christmas. Now my hopes are up. I love my brother to death and have no idea when I will make it home again. If I could see him at Christmas, it would be awesome. Of course I really want to see my parents too. If my parents drive down there is a good chance one of my other brothers will visit too. He already said he wants to come and talked to his ex about bringing my niece. I am not getting my hopes up about that one though.

So M and I decided to try to figure out which hotels are close to our house last night. The closest and cheapest is a dump. However it is in a safe enough part of town and it would be the quickest drive to our house so they may stay there. There is not a pool though and my family prefers to stay in places with a pool because it is cheap entertainment for my brother (and hopefully my niece). We decided to drive past a nearby hotel and it was really nice and it a little better area. M made a funny comment though, "That place looks just nice enough for your dad to embarrass me if he decides to sit down in the lobby in his boxers again." I had no idea what M was talking about.

It turns out the day before our wedding my mom decided my dad needed a tux. I was just happy my dad came down and was still hoping he would turn up at the wedding. If he turned up wearing his cowboy boots, wranglers, and a plaid button down like he wears 99% of the time, I would have been happy. M pulled up at the hotel to take my brothers to get fitted and dad came out wearing an undershirt and boxers. He sat down in the lobby and asked M if he had to wear a tux. M said he didn't care what he wore and that was the end of the conversation. For the record, dad wore a suit to our wedding instead of a tux and he was much more comfortable than he would have been in a tux.

My youngest brother was 10 when M and I got married. He was a groomsman and VERY excited about participating in the wedding. He knew my colors were yellow and navy and that the girls were wearing navy dresses. He decided that meant the boys must be wearing yellow. Even though at the time my parents were still struggling to get him to understand the importance of wearing clothing while in the yard, and not wearing too small Dalmatian pj's in public, he was willing to get dressed up in a yellow suit (with collar) for me.

He walked out of the fitting room in his black tux and it was all I could do to keep from laughing. The salesperson asked how it felt and he responded, "fine". The pants barely covered his knees and the jacket sleeves were a good 4 inches from reaching his wrists. We all finally burst out laughing and sent him back to try a bigger size. Later we found out he thought maybe that was how tuxes were supposed to fit and he was willing to wear whatever I wanted him to. I hope I never forget how he looked in that tux.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


Monica H said...

I wanted a copy of my medical records after my first son died. In Texas, if it is a miscarriage(before 20 weeks gestation) then you don't a birth or death certificate. The hospital can opt tp give you a Certificate Of Life, which we got, but no death cert. On the records describing my child, was te label "spontaneous abortion". I still cannot get over that terminology. Who comes up with this stuff and why did they think that was a winner!?!

She went to Canada for a fish sandwich? I kinda understand that :)

I wish I could see pics of your brother in a too small tux. I bet we was cute!

Geohde said...

This is a miserable, hormonal infertle woman bleating .... so please feel free to ignore me, skip to the hugs at the end if you like.

Here goes.....

I had an a.b.o.r.t.i.o.n. in the second trimester. It was the hardest most horrific single thing that I have ever done. But my baby was going to die eventually anyway, and I was lucky to be able to exercise that choice rather than deliver a stillborn, malformed child.

I agree that a termination of pregnancy *is* different to a miscarriage, but please please please acknowlegde that they're not all the vaguely-dissaproving-tones-social-abortions-by-women-who-didn't-want-the-baby that you don't want to be in the same tick box as. Just because I had an abortion does not make me a bad person.

Just saying...

(hugs for your loss again, by the way),



Suzan said...

I know this comment comes a year late, but I recently had a miscarriage at 18 weeks and I agree 100% with you. I don't want my miscarriage lumped into a box that says miscarriage/abortion. Miscarriage means you had no choice and I want people to know my miscarriage was NOT my choice. For those who find abortion offensive (and a choice they would never choose) it is one more pain to bear. I hope that check box got changed. I'm also glad to see you had a baby. It gives me hope.