Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Since I have decided that I am probably too shy to nurse in public, and with little guy due at the height of flu season, M and I have been trying to get out of the house now while we still can easily.

This weekend we were going to go to a movie, but nothing we wanted to see was playing so we opted for dinner and then to go shopping. As we pulled into the burger joint that was the only place near the theater to eat, I remembered how sad I felt the last time we ate there. The line was long, but the hostess said it would only be a 10 minute wait so we decided to stay. Unfortunately the only empty seat was next to a family with a newborn. My back just won't allow me to stand like I used too so I took a seat. Even though the baby was a girl, I had so much trouble sitting there. I was so sad about the baby I lost.

I know it seems silly when I am 3 weeks away from holding my own baby. My hormones are probably just out of control. I couldn't look at that baby in the restaurant even though I tried. I am so scared that I will have trouble when my baby arrives. I do feel a connection to him, but at the same time I am so scared I'll have trouble bonding. I don't know what my problem is.

OB update of the week: little guy probably won't arrive this week either. I am not effaced or dilated at all. Also, my platelets are down slightly and my blood pressure is still slightly elevated for me. Nothing to worry about, according to my OB. The swelling does seem to be less this week than last though.


niobe said...

It sometimes seems that sadness comes and goes, waxes and wanes. And there's no way to reason with it.

Monica H said...

I just want to assure you that you are not silly, your thinking is not silly. Even though you have something so special that is coming to you within the next couple weeks, you can't help but miss what you should already have. There is nothing silly about that.

christyna said...

I found out a few years ago that my Mother miscarried at 14 weeks or so before she got pregnant with me. They conceived me 2 to 3 months later. She still feels the loss but I never felt like we didn't bond and I never felt second best. I wouldn't have been born if she hadn't miscarried and she can say with a certainty that her life would be less with out me and I wouldn't be here had it not been for her other baby leaving her so early. My Mom and I are best friends, she's wonderful. You're doing great, and it is normal and okay to feel the way you do. We had her miscarriage before me and I was born the date her father died when she was 13...I never felt unloved or like she was sad because of me, or too sad to love me for me.

Anonymous said...

I happen to have first-hand experience that tells me she's gonna be a GREAT mother, and she's the only one of the two of us that are remotely worried about her bonding with Little Guy. I sit across the room from her and watch her poke at her belly to see if she can find him, then I see the smile when she does.


Christyna said...

deep down she has no doubt either, but worrying about things like that is what makes a good mom, and she already is!! YAY!!!