Sunday, November 13, 2011

Tonight I was putting my son, almost 4, to bed.  He looked into my eyes and asked, "Momma why are you sad?"  I tried to explain that I wasn't sad, just serious.  He interrupted and continued, "Is it because of your baby that died?"

I was floored.  While we haven't tried to keep it a secret from him, it isn't a regular part of our conversations with him.  After a question or two I learned that my husband had explained that before LG was born, we had lost a baby.  Again he asked if losing the baby was why I was sad.

I looked into the eyes of my precious boy and explained that I was very sad when his older brother died, but when he (LG) was born he brought me great joy.  Then I explained that had that baby not died, I would never have met him, and I am very glad to be his mother.

Today it is still difficult to explain the sadness over the loss of that first baby, but also the joy that comes from the son I do have.  I never could have had both of them.  I still mourn the loss of that baby, although it is completely different now than it was 4 years ago.  I feel so blessed to have the two children I have, they are beautiful and wonderful people.  The journey I have been through has led me to appreciate them even more.


Cathie said...

so sorry to hear about your loss

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