Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Another loss

It's been well over a year since I last wrote here.  I do still get comments every month from people who have gone through a miscarriage or are in the process who read my story and gain hope.  That is why I leave this blog up, even if I don't update it but once every year or two.

I wasn't sure if I should add to my story, but I decided that I want to be honest, and part of that honesty is to share that this week I lost another baby.  It feels different this time though for many reasons.

Today I have a 5 year old son who is smart, sensitive, and full of joy; a 3 year old daughter who is hilarious, spunky, and always on the go; a 10 month old son who always smiles and is quick with a laugh.  Some days I look at them and am just overcome with love and how lucky I feel to have them, I love being their mother.

My husband and I are not sure that we are finished having children.  We have discussed becoming foster parents and adoption.  I still have my heart set on another biological child but my husband is concerned for my health, each pregnancy has been just a little bit more difficult and the last one ended with an emergency C-section and our son in the NICU for a week.  With a 10 month old, our plans were not to add to our family right now.

This past Saturday though, we learned I was expecting.  This was a very unplanned pregnancy, I didn't even have an idea of how far along I might be.  I had been feeling rundown and like I had the flu for a few weeks, I thought maybe I was going through post-partum depression and was debating making an appointment to be evaluated.  A couple other small things made me wonder if I was pregnant, since it was the weekend I suggested my husband get me a pregnancy test just to put my mind at ease.  My husband thought it was a waste of money but did it anyway.

It had the darkest line I have ever seen on a pregnancy test, it was dark blue before I was even done peeing.  I was in shock!  We spent the rest of the day in shock.  We don't own a vehicle that will fit another person.  I have given all my maternity clothes and most of our baby stuff away.  Although another baby right now was not in our plans, we were quickly warming up to the idea and making plans about how to make it work.

The next day, Mother's Day, we were at church and I happened to be in the nursery.  I felt something and knew I was bleeding, although at the time I didn't think much of it.  I had bled throughout the first trimester with my last son and knew that bleeding does not always been miscarriage.  When I was able to go to the bathroom though, I was bleeding a lot and knew immediately that the pregnancy was ending. 

The bleeding continued to be heavy and the next day I called my doctor's office.  I wasn't sure if they would even have me come in, but they did.  They did an ultrasound and when I saw the baby, I thought for a moment that maybe they would find a heartbeat, but quickly realized that even if they did, with the amount of bleeding, the baby would not survive much longer.  There was not a heartbeat though.  The baby measured just shy of 8 weeks and based on those measurements would have been due on my daughter's birthday or a couple days later.

The nurse practitioner and my OB debated whether to have me wait it out and miscarry naturally or to schedule a D&C.  It was finally decided to go ahead and schedule a D&C, which I had yesterday.  The procedure went quickly and I have had very little pain.  I did feel worn out from the anesthesia though.

Emotionally I am in a much better place this time.  I believe this is for several reasons, first of all I have 3 children and am not concerned that I will never have children.  Secondly, this pregnancy was unexpected.  Thirdly, I did not have a much time to become attached to the baby, I was starting to make plans and think of names, but I only had hours to think about these things, not weeks.  Lastly, my faith.  In the past 6 years my husband and I have been through many tough things, losing our first baby was probably the one that affected us the most deeply, but we made it through because God was by our side.

I expect we will still have some difficult days ahead, but I know we will make it through again.

9 comments:

This Child's Mom said...

I just discovered your blog the other day and I have grown hooked, I even went back to read it all the way through. Thanks for your sharing your story -- God has used your blog, years later, to give me hope through my miscarriage. Someone nominated my 2-week old blog for a "One Lovely Blog Award" and I am to nominate others who I feel have a lovely blog, so I nominated you! Here's the post I wrote about your award:
http://thischildsmom.wordpress.com/2013/06/09/one-lovely-blog-award-thank-you-missmelvis/

Dr. Grumbles said...

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april said...

Thank you for sharing….I can relate. Please read my blog and comment. I am sharing my journey to motherhood………I had 8 miscarriages before I became a mom, it took seven years…but I DID get a happily ever after with two daughters…may all childless mothers find their happy ending https://aprilmangrum.wordpress.com/2015/02/12/two-little-lines/ - See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/coping-with-a-miscarriage/comment-page-6/#comment-1108238

GET PREGNANT IN DAYS said...

You are really sharing this painful experience openly. I have had a hard time talking about our miscarriage but since we have found a way dealing with it. I have chosen to share this info with you. Just checkout my link.

Anonymous said...

We lost our baby this year the day after mothers day and it doesn’t get any easier to deal with it actually gets harder as this was a planned pregnancy and we were so very excited. We lost our baby at 12 weeks. I wrote a blog about it to help me heal in talking about it and also to help other women, please go read and share!

https://blightedovumchangedmylife.wordpress.com/

Gail Buckie said...

Going through my second miscarriage this year,
http://areyouthereangel.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/what-they-dont-tell-you-about.html

Laura Percival said...

Please please sign and share my petition to help the NHS have a better understanding towards miscarriage
https://www.facebook.com/laura.percival.900/posts/10157644564355646

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